im six kinds of drunk right now
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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