Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
