Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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