Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
