God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
