My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
