i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
