the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
