please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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