There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
