She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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