my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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