haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
someone owes me an orgasm
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
