Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
