I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
