I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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