I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
