So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
