Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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