There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
