good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
