you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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