I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
