after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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