mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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