i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
