is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
its liver damage thursday
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
