Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
