he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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