1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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