I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
