I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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