she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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