Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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