I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can't turn off my feet"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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