u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
