If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
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