I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
