i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
