I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
