If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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