There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
