just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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