last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
