I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
