Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
