its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
