I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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