I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The ass gains better be worth it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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