Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
