i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
